My Testimony: Losing Seven Years of My Life

This will be a longer than normal blog entry. I'm hesitating to even start writing this. Not only will it be long, it's personal and has a sad and negative tinge to it. This set of thoughts will likely be filled with regret. But proceed I must...

Turning Forty: Changes and Challenges Abound

In 2013 I reached a milestone in my life. I turned forty. This seemed like quite an innocuous time in my life. My thirties had come and gone and this period had generally been a good time in my life. I had gotten married, bought two houses, progressed in my career, was blessed with relatively good health, had my first child, and the future looked bright. Almost like a switch though, 2013 ushered in some changes that weren't what I expected them to be. This resulted in some stressful times that I wasn't at all prepared for.

In January of 2013 I started a new position at work. Actually, I reverted back to a position that I had started back in 2007 but had taken a sabbatical from in order to tackle a special project that lasted nearly five years. As that project wound down (and as I became increasingly bored and frustrated by it), it was time to go back to what I was doing before. I began to get excited about the change. I would be working with a totally new team and I was quite interested in sinking my teeth into some new challenges. What I discovered upon starting back into my old position was that, while I was away, the work that this position was focused on had substantially changed. It was now focused on managing third-party partnerships with private sector players. The third-party that I was ultimately assigned to was not at all to my liking.

Almost immediately I came into a personality and values conflict with the individual involved. This guy was a hardcore entrepreneur and didn't seem to have much respect for my company (even though my company was paying all of his bills). This dude also expected me to work 24/7, in order to help him make money! If the business that we were working on was a success, he'd make tons of moolah while I'd be left with my salary (which at the hours he expected, would have amounted to around $2 per hour). This was absolutely unacceptable to me. In addition this guy reminded me a lot of a former boss at another company at the start of my working life that was a total micromanager and bully. I did not react well to this at all. I immediately started thinking about how I had to get out of this position. I started looking for other jobs within the company but was disappointed to find that there weren't all that many available. The stress of this was incredible. I was having trouble sleeping. I was thinking constantly about how I could manage this third-party and eventually find a new position. Brutal.

I had a bit of a reprieve in the spring as I went to Japan with my pregnant wife and daughter to visit her family. I recall having a nice visit with family and friends there along with my daughter who was a little over a year old at the time. The trip ended on a rather stressful note on the way home though. We arrived back in Canada after a long flight from Tokyo and holed up in a hotel near the Calgary airport. My wife and I were both tired and irritable and our daughter was a bit needy. I proceeded to let her watch some videos on the tablet we had with us. My wife was quite opposed to this and expressed her displeasure. I did not react well to this and we got into quite a heated exchange. I'm pretty sure that my wife was extremely tired and stressed coupled with the fact that she was nearly three months pregnant with our second daughter. She was very angry with me - more angry than I could ever recall. What next?

By the summer of 2013 I was also assigned to work on a new project on top of the work I was doing to manage my third-party friend. This new project involved working with a large global consulting firm. This was actually a nice reprieve from the stress and despair that I was feeling working at my regular job. As this project progressed it started to garner interest from my company's CEO who wanted to see detailed draft reports from the consulting firm. My former boss was in charge of this project but my current boss controlled my performance review and day-to-day direction. Just before the August long weekend, the shit hit the fan. The CEO wanted to see the draft reports and he directed my current boss to get them. My former boss was not keen on this but I did not realize at the time the degree to which (nor why) he was reluctant to provide these draft reports to the CEO. As a result, I provided what I had from the consulting firm to my current boss and advised him to inform my former boss of what was going on. This did not go well. When my former boss found out he blew his top and I was caught in the crossfire. All of this happened the day before I was scheduled to leave for a vacation to the Rocky Mountains with my family. Needless to say, this was not an enjoyable vacation for me.

Radium Hot Springs Aqua Court. How can I not be enjoying this?

Upon my return from vacation, I felt like things at work couldn't get much worse. I hated what I was working on with the third-party entrepreneur. I was pretty sure my current boss had lost confidence in me and my former boss was openly hostile. August 2013 was just an awful month. I was still looking for a new position within the company without much luck. I was contemplating potentially leaving after fifteen years of service. I didn't like any of the options in front of me.

As September rolled around though, my luck started to change. I was pursuing an open position in the company's supply chain and logistics department. It was starting to look promising when another position opened up in the strategic planning department. This opening was different though in that the team there and the boss were actively pursuing me to join. What a change in luck! This was such a great moment. I couldn't believe that I might soon be delivered from the current position that I had which was proving to be such a bad fit.

Within the month I was working in the strategic planning department and largely left behind all of my woes in my former role. What a relief! Yet, I was still very stressed and out of sorts. I think that I had been so shocked by all of the challenges earlier in the year that I was having trouble coming to terms with them. Also, my second daughter was due to arrive in October and this was weighing heavily on my mind. I was stressed and I'm sure that my new teammates knew it. I still wonder if they were wondering what the hell might be wrong with the new guy!

Ugh... My forties were really getting off to a great start. Heavy sigh...

Bells Palsy: What the Hell?!

My second daughter was born in October 2013. While my wife gave birth to her and experienced a more challenging delivery than with our first daughter, I stayed home and took care of daughter #1. Although I was proud to stay home and take care of daughter #1 (instead of sending her off to a relative's place), to this day I regret not being at the hospital for my wife. I think that this was one of a series of "not showing" up events that have hurt my wife over the past ten years. If I had this to do over again, I would definitely have gone to the hospital. My wife should not have been left alone to go through this more difficult delivery. I could have also saved myself a great deal of worry as I was quite concerned about how things were progressing and what was happening. I was grateful that my wife tried to reassure me by stating that "it was a good thing that you weren't there because there was a lot of blood". While I appreciated this thought from my wife, I still felt terrible about not being there for her.

Daughter #2 has arrived!

The transition to having two small children to care for was a difficult one. Even though the new position was a positive change in my working life, I was still under a lot of stress (more to come on this). Daughter #2 was a challenge for me in the late evenings when my wife would take around an hour to put daughter #1 to sleep. Daughter #2 would cry incessantly while I tried fruitlessly to comfort her and get her to calm down. This was so incredibly stressful. Seeing such a precious and tiny loved one of mine in seemingly so much distress was - well, distressing! No matter what I did or tried, she just wouldn't calm down during these periods before bed. My wife was stressed, the new baby was stressed, and I was stressed both at home now and at work.

Come October pressures were mounting at work and this ultimately resulted in changes that came right from the top. My current boss whom I respected and wanted to learn more from was "retired" by our CEO. This came as quite a shock to me as my boss had assured me just two months prior that he had no plans to retire. What the hell was going on? The truth came out sometime later but let's just say that the big cheese upstairs wanted more of a micromanager in place who would bring a new and more intense attention to detail to the work that my team was doing. Boy did this ever turn out to be true! 

The new boss was installed that November and, although a very nice person, turned out to be the micromanager that the CEO wanted. On our introduction to this new boss, our VP told us that we could expect that the new boss, while a very nice and ethical individual, had trouble delegating and would be "prone to doing your work". Yikes! Within the next three months both of my teammates (whom I greatly enjoyed working with) were on their way out and an entirely new team formed based on the vision of the new boss. This new team wasn't the one that I had joined just several months previously. Once again my world had been turned upside down.

All of this change - both personally and professionally - took its toll on me. The vast amount of change in a very short time period was resulting in stresses and pains that I "...couldn't even imagine were happening..." according to a former boss of mine. At the time I didn't believe or even really comprehend what he meant by this. But, he was right. The first inkling that I had of this was waking up one morning, after experiencing what felt like a nerve pinch in my jaw that night, and discovering that I was losing control over the left side of my face. It was bizarre and disturbing - why couldn't I smile nor blink on the left side of my face? Why was my left side drooping? Had I experienced a stroke?

I immediately hauled my ass down to a medical clinic to get checked out. Prior to leaving though, I looked up my symptoms online. The info that I found seemed to indicate one thing - Bells Palsy. 

Bells palsy is a condition that causes sudden weakness in the muscles on one side of the face. In most cases, the weakness is temporary and significantly improves over weeks. The weakness makes half of the face appear to droop. Smiles are one-sided, and the eye on the affected side resists closing.

At the clinic, the doctor that I saw immediately asked me to pull each of his index fingers. This was test to see if the paralysis was only in my face or was manifesting in other areas of my body. If I had not been able to pull one of his fingers, this would have indicated that I had likely suffered a stroke. To my relief (yet dismay!) I was told that I had not suffered a stroke but that I was suffering from Bells Palsy. I was prescribed a treatment of oral steroids. I think that I had to take these for nearly two weeks while also doing facial exercises to ensure that the paralysis would not become permanent. The "roid rage" that came with the treatment was interesting! It was also fun to freak people out by looking them in the eye and blinking. With only one eyelid working, this definitely lead to some weird looks!

Luckily the Bells Palsy paralysis was not permanent and healed within about a month. Unfortunately I still have to this day a bit of droop in my left eyelid. I sometimes notice this in pictures. I try not to think about this too much.

This episode was the beginning of a realization that I wasn't as young as I used to be and that cumulative stress both at work and at home could have a seriously negative impact on my health. I had to do something about this. What could I do to improve my health and resiliency in the face of getting older? After chatting with a friend whose wife was a personal trainer I decided to hire her to get me into shape. Hopefully this would have a positive impact and help prevent any future issues like the one that I just experienced. The training commenced. It was tough. My fitness level greatly improved. I looked great! Even though there continued to be challenges at home with two really young kids and a new team at work that I wasn't as crazy about as the previous one, perhaps things were indeed now looking up...

Thank God I'm on Japan Airlines!

I have taken long haul flights to and from Japan on numerous occasions. My wife's family lives there so it's important to go and visit on a regular basis. These flights can be tedious. As the final hours of each one approach, it's tough not to keep wishing for the damn thing to just come to a merciful end. I had often wondered to myself, "What might be the worst thing that could happen on a long haul flight?" Well, the answer was obvious: stomach flu / gastroenteritis, of course! But, really... What is the probability of that happening? Well...

From what I can recall I had a fairly enjoyable visit to Japan. Fun and uneventful in just about every way. I even tried to maintain the exercise training program that I started in 2014. I believe that I had travelled to Japan with my family and then after three weeks made the trip home on my own. I remember heading to the train station in order to catch the Shinkansen to Tokyo and then the Narita Express to Narita Airport. I stayed at a hotel near the airport and all was going well.

Shinkansen Platform at Toyama Station. On my way back to Tokyo.

The day of departure I grabbed some food to eat at a convenience store in the hotel. I bought a salad and some onigiri. I chowed down on this food and all seemed well. I eventually departed on the airport shuttle for the terminal and my eventual departure. I was excited to be flying Japan Airlines on the way home. Japan Air has great service and I was grateful to be flying them instead of Air Canada this time around. Good thing too...

Waiting for my Japan Airlines flight at Narita Airport

The plane ride started out well - smooth as silk. About two hours into the flight though, I started to feel a strange sensation in my belly and my bowels. A not at all unfamiliar feeling. A feeling of quasi-nausea. I started to get that sinking feeling... Oh no! I must have stomach flu / gastroenteritis! How could this be? Could my luck be this bad? Perhaps I was just experiencing a bad case of indigestion from what I ate earlier. Was it possible that I could be experiencing food poisoning? I wasn't sure. All that I knew was that I was going to be ill. I started to get hot and sweaty. I felt some panic coming on. There was still close to seven hours left on this flight. How could I keep from vomiting in front of all of the other passengers in economy class? How could I possibly vomit in front of everyone? What if I also had terrible diarrhea? How would I cope with that if the seatbelt sign came on and I was not allowed to access the airplane washrooms? Oh my god...

Thankfully I was on Japan Airlines for this particular mishap. I went to one of the flight attendants to inform her that I was ill. I stated to her that I was sick. Her response (English not being her first language) was, "Really? Someone is sick? Where?!" I had to restate that I was the one who was indeed sick. "Oh! You?!" she replied. I proceeded to ask her if there was any Gravol / anti-nausea medicine on the plane. She told me to come with her. We proceeded to the back of the plane where she pulled out a suitcase that contained a multitude of medications that were described in various languages. I eventually came across the one that I was looking for, pointed to it, and was rewarded with a couple of pills. They could not have come soon enough. Taking these provided a bit of relief for a while but diarrhea started to make its presence known. This was going to continue to be a long flight.

Through the medication and the use of breathing exercises I was able to avoid vomiting on the plane. Yet, this was not guaranteed. When we were about two hours from landing in Vancouver the flight crew began to serve a meal that was basically supper. Normally I would be ravenously looking forward to this meal. This time though, with no appetite and still suffering from a case of nausea, I was in despair. The smell of the meal was overpowering and was exacerbating my feelings of nausea. Perhaps I would be vomiting after all. I couldn't take it anymore so I went back to the flight attendant and explained to her that the smell of the meal was making me feel ill. She proceeded to tell me to come to the back of the plane to the flight attendant's area and to sit there. This was wonderful and I was so grateful to be away from the smell of the food. I resolved at this moment to write a letter to Japan Airlines thanking them profusely for their incredible service. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that if I would have been on an Air Canada flight I would have been sternly told to "...sir, go sit down and be quiet. Your barf bag is in the seat pocket in front of you!" Again, thank god I was on Japan Airlines!

Eventually we landed in Vancouver and I just had to make my way through Canada Customs and Immigration. I don't have any recollection of this at all. I don't remember waiting in the queues to get through Customs. I do recall though debating with myself whether or not I should just end my trip in Vancouver and get some rest and try to recover there or if I should press on to Regina. In the end I decided to go on to Regina. I needed to get home so that I could recover from whatever illness I was suffering from. I made my way to the domestic terminal, let out some more diarrhea, and found a convenience store where I could buy some Imodium to try and plug up my bowels! This helped a bit. Yet, the two hour flight to Regina seemed to take an eternity. 

I don't recall much about landing in Regina and being picked up by my parents. I just vaguely remember directing them to take me home as fast as possible so that I could go to bed. I was never so glad to be back home in my life. Within a couple of days I was back to feeling better and was seemingly back to normal. Little did I know how wrong this was... 

What's Wrong with Me?

After getting home and recovering from what had been the worst plane ride of my life, I tried to get over the inevitable jet lag and return to work and life. Unfortunately, I continued to experience ongoing issues with diarrhea. I was losing weight and my appetite was not normal. Yet, I returned to work and even attended a Japanese Cultural Association event in Regina where we smashed watermelons with a group of kids. I recall feeling a bit unwell during this event even though I participated. What was going on?

Smashing watermelons in Wascana Park in June 2015

My wife and daughters eventually returned home from Japan and we tried to return to life as normal. But I was continuing to experience issues with diarrhea. I eventually went to see my family doctor. He had my stools tested to make sure that I wasn't infected from something on the international trip that I just returned from. The stool sample came back negative. No issues. Yet, my symptoms continued. I went back to the doctor and he decided to test me for Celiac Disease. This involved a blood test which I had done immediately. Unfortunately, my doctor went on vacation and did not get back to me for two weeks. With each passing day I became more concerned. What if I had Celiac Disease? What would this mean for my life? I would have to completely change my diet. I couldn't eat normal bread anymore. I tried some gluten-free bread but I found this to be absolutely terrible. How could I go on with life having to eat this shit? I started to feel even worse. I began to have panic attacks and (although I didn't know it at the time) depression had started to set in. Why the hell wasn't my doctor calling me back regarding that blood test? I needed to know asap whether or not I was Celiac.

I finally called the doctor's office and found out that he was away but was assured that he'd call me back as soon as he returned. I eventually found out that I was indeed NOT Celiac. What a relief this was! I could keep on eating my same diet. Life would continue to be normal and good. Yet, I continued to have diarrhea. I was losing weight. By August 2015 I had lost fifteen pounds. I was a pretty skinny guy so losing fifteen pounds was very significant. I looked gaunt and sickly. Something was wrong with me but no one seemed to be able to figure it out. I decided to get a second opinion and went to a walk in clinic. The doctor I saw there was concerned that perhaps I was suffering from an e-coli infection. He plied me with antibiotics to try and address this. No change. I was getting more and more panicked with each passing day and week. My appetite shrunk down to nothing and I continued to lose weight.

Eventually I had my sister take me to the ER at one of the hospitals in Regina. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, I eventually was seen by a young intern. After going through my whole story with him, he looked at me and asked, "Do you worry about worry?" I was gob smacked. I replied, "Yes. I absolutely worry about worry. I'm a terrible worry wart." He indicated that I was likely suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome and that I should go back to my family doctor with this information. He also scheduled me to see a gastroenterologist. I did go back to my family doctor and explained what happened. He looked at me and apologized and stated that it had not even occurred to him that I would have a problem with stress and anxiety that would lead to something like Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He wanted to discuss with me a pharmaceutical treatment that would involve taking a tranquilizer and an anti-depressant medication (also know as an SSRI). After consulting with my wife, we decided that I should go ahead with the medications to see if this would have a positive impact on my condition.

I was prescribed two medications and proceeded home. But, upon starting to take these I found that I was having some severe side effects. The tranquilizer in particular did not seem to agree with me. I was starting to feel MORE depressed and anxious while taking it. Within a day I was starting to feel suicidal. This was brutal and more frightening that what I was dealing with before. I called my doctor's office and explained the situation. He indicated that this side effect should pass but it continued to get worse. 

I was feeling so ill that I could not even attend my eldest daughter's birthday party that month. I had to stay in bed. The feelings of distress and guilt over this were just terrible. I wanted to be there for her but I was stuck either in bed or in the bathroom. At one point my daughter (who was four years old at the time) came into the bedroom where I was laying, took my hand and said, "Daddy, it's going to be alright." I was so taken by this. This little girl who likely had no idea what was going on with her Dad had the compassion to come to me and say this. I was overcome with feelings of emotion - pride mixed with gratefulness. I could not believe that I had fathered such a caring and tender person. This brings a tear to my eye even now.

I couldn't take it anymore so went back to the ER. After another wait that seemed like an eternity, I was now seen by someone from the psych department. Oh god! This was getting worse with each passing day. This person asked me all kinds of questions about feeling suicidal and whether or not I had planned out how I would do it! This was absolutely brutal. I couldn't believe that found myself in this situation. All I did was go on a vacation with my family, wound up with some gastrointestinal difficulties, and now I was lying here being asked questions like this. How did things come to this?! Eventually, I was prescribed a different tranquilizer and this seemed to settle things down. I was sent home.

I was taken off of work for several months. This was the first time in my entire career that something like this had happened. I was worried that this would have a negative impact on how I was perceived at work. Yet, I was so ill that I had no choice but to take the time and try to get better. I had to get my appetite and weight back. Also, I was incredibly fatigued. The medications that I was prescribed were definitely knocking me flat on my ass. I would sleep half the day. This took a toll on my wife. She also works full time at a demanding job and we still had two young children to look after. I was not there for her. I was too doped up and lacking energy to be of much help. Thankfully my sister and her husband and my parents were around and helped out whenever they could. My "absence" or perhaps more accurately, my incapacitation had a negative impact on my marriage and took me away from some very rewarding times in the lives of my children. 

Over several months though, I did start to feel better and the diarrhea went away. I was able to return to work and I started to play again with the local Japanese taiko drumming group that I had joined earlier in 2015. Lord was I skinny though. I looked terrible but I was glad to be somewhat back to normal. I was still feeling quite fatigued and out of it a lot of the time but at least my bowels weren't giving me too much trouble anymore. Life seemed to be carrying on.

I Came Out Unscathed: Or Did I?

My goal was always to eventually get off of the two medications. I did not want to be dependent on these medications for the rest of my life. By early 2017, the dosages had slowly been reduced by my doctor to a fairly low level. A one point in the spring of 2017, he was not available due to a health issue that he had to deal with. As a result, I was unable to get my prescriptions refilled. This was perfectly fine with me. They had gone down to such a low level that I was prepared to get off of them. I was tired of being fatigued and medicated. So, I let went forth medication free for the first time in nearly two years. What a relief. Or was it...

That summer I was still training with the personal trainer that I had hired back in 2014. On one occasion she was only available to train at her house. My family happened to be on a trip to Japan again but I didn't go with them. I was still not prepared to get back onto a long haul flight after the horror that I experienced back in 2015. So, I proceeded up to my trainer's house way up in north Regina. As the workout began, I started to feel a bit queasy. Then I felt some diarrhea come on. Oh no! How could this be? I went to her washroom and the situation proceeded to get worse. The nausea intensified and I was sure that I must have a case of stomach flu / gastroenteritis. I was so nauseous, warm, and sweaty that I needed to lay down on the bathroom floor. I was sure that I was going to vomit. This was the same situation that happened to me on the flight back in 2015. 

I had to explain through the door what was happening to me when my trainer eventually expressed some concern and wondered what was going on. I asked her to call my parents to see if they could come pick me up and one of them could drive my car home. How embarrassing this whole situation was! My Dad drove my car home and I rode in the backseat of my parents' car. I'm certain that my Mom was concerned that I would hurl all over the back seat! They got me home and I recovered. I didn't vomit. What the hell was going on? This couldn't have been stomach flu. Was this a result of me no longer taking those godawful medications? 

I went back to see my doctor who had now returned from his medical leave. He proceed to hit me hard again with the same medications. I was off work again for another few months (now I was really worried about the impact this would have on my career!) and was doped up and lacking energy. I was back to sleeping half of my days away. But, it seemed to work. The diarrhea stopped and I seemed to get back to normal. I started to think that perhaps I was going to have to be on these bloody medications for the rest of my life. Certainly there was something very wrong with me. In addition to the meds, I was sent to see counsellors. This seemed to help. I was given different books to read and different tasks to undertake such as meditation and relaxation exercises that would potentially help me with the anxiety disorder that I seemed to be suffering from. This also continued to take a toll on my ability to contribute to my family life and was a cause of stress for my wife. Was this what life was going to be like from now on?

As life moved on into 2018, I seemed to get my footing back. Sure, I was still doped up and not at my sharpest but I wasn't shitting myself! That was a positive. I even found the courage to get on an airplane and head back to Japan for a vacation that summer. It all went off without a hitch and I had a good time visiting. 

Flying Japan Airlines once again. There was no way I was going on Air Canada!

Enjoying some food and a few drinks in the Kanda district of Tokyo

Near the end of 2018 though I started to feel a lot of stress at work. Certainly, life on my team had not been what I had hoped it would be when I joined back in 2013. The changes that happened in 2014 had stuck and, four years later, I was not exactly happy with the way things were going. This started to be a chronic source of stress for me. I won't go into too much detail here but near the end of the year, I got into a dispute with my boss and my VP. I didn't feel that I was being evaluated fairly on something that happened and I made my displeasure known. This lead to quite a heated exchange that made me start to think about my future with this team.

The Worst Happens?

With this in the back of my mind, I trudged forth into 2019. Things were okay but I was continuing to feel stressed out and underappreciated. The medications I was on were once again slowly being reduced but at a much slower rate than in 2016/17. I wasn't sleeping half of my days but I wasn't exactly brimming with energy either. As the summer approached, I was ready to go on another vacation trip to Japan with my family. The tickets were bought and the accommodations were booked. I was looking forward to getting away. Unfortunately, labour strife was ripe at my company and it looked like strike action was imminent. This could negatively impact my vacation plans as I would likely be required to cancel and work the strike. I started to feel panicked and ill. My bowels were giving me issues again. After discussing it through with my wife, we decided that I would cancel my trip. I clearly wasn't feeling at my best and taking along a sick husband would be very stressful for her. I cancelled my flight and immediately lost $2000. I had cancelled too late to get a full refund but it was seemingly the right thing to do.

As the strike approached, the company started making contingency plans. The first plan that I was presented with was one where I would be sent to work out of one of the northern districts. My doctor was not impressed with this given the medications that I was on. He wrote a letter to the company and insisted that I could not leave Regina in the event of a strike. HR attempted to accommodate me with another assignment. This time they put me in a group that would work inside. What a relief! But, I found out that I would be the only one working on this team from Regina. Everyone else would be working from Saskatoon. I would, in effect, be marooned in Regina with no support - everyone else would be working together and helping each other out from another city! I experienced a severe panic attack. How could I get through this? My doctor was once again not impressed and, with my condition worsening, he pulled the plug on me and put me on sick leave. He also increased the medications to a very high level once again. Son of a bitch!! I was now back to sleeping half the days away. Ugh...

I had to inform my wife (who was still away in Japan) that I had been put on sick leave. This caused her a lot of stress. I think that it was also a cause of "face loss" for her. Her husband was too ill to continue working and had to go on leave. I was not proud of this either. This was the third time in nearly five years that I was put on sick leave. What was going to be left of my career? Would I even be healthy enough to eventually return to work? Did I want to return to work? Things hadn't been going all that well. Should I be looking for something new? Should I try to reinvent myself for another career? If so, what? My training and experience was in a couple of very specific areas into which I had made many years of investment. Reinvention would not be easy if it was even at all practical.

So, I found myself off work for a little over a year. This was a difficult time of recovery and soul searching. Why did I continue to suffer from such a problematic anxiety disorder? Would I ever be able to get my "mojo" back? Could I ever again have a "normal" life? What was normal anyway anymore? I had a lot to contemplate and think about. I saw more counselors. I did my best to stay healthy. I worked around the house. But this was a difficult time. It did nothing for my career and it did even less for my marriage. I think that my wife lost a great deal of confidence in me during this period. This is something that I am very ashamed of and I wish had never happened. Conversely though, there were aspects of this that were indeed good. I was actually grateful to be away from work for a while. As stated, I was stressed and fairly unhappy with how things had been going. Being off gave me time to get some perspective. This was therapeutic and ultimately helped contribute to not only a recovery in my health but an eventual return to work in the fall of 2020. I regained my health and my footing during this time and I also learned something else that was incredibly eye-opening and valuable: when you are away from an organization for over twelve months, a lot changes. What may seem like glacial change while you are in the heat of battle looks like significant change from a distance. This was a wonderful realization.

Change is Inevitable

A major event that occurred while I was on leave was the eruption of the COVID-19 pandemic. This resulted in all kinds of changes - at home, at work, and within the overall society. The pandemic forced some rapid and significant changes at work, most of which were for the better. When I returned to the office I was shocked by how much had changed. Changes that myself and many others had been advocating for years had been implemented almost overnight. This was largely a result of having to implement work from home policies and major changes to IT and procurement policies. I was absolutely shocked (and impressed!) by how much change had been made to deal with the reality of the pandemic. This was indeed a pleasant surprise.

Several months after my return my boss decided to retire. I had mixed feelings regarding this. While I respected her intellect, I had become disillusioned with her leadership style and was still hankering for a change. In the end, the change happened and I didn't need to find a new position. A new boss was selected and I was happy to find out that it was someone whom I had worked with in years past and that I respected. I wasn't sure what this transition would be like but I hoped that it would lead to some renewal and positive change. I was not to be disappointed.

I Have Finally Achieved a New Phase

From mid-2021 to today, I can honestly say that my work life has improved tremendously. With the help of my new boss and her leadership, my battered confidence began to be renewed. It has been a bit of a journey and there have been ups and downs but I am in a much better place now in my working life than I was back in 2019 and the years from 2013 through to 2018 before that. Things are definitely looking up for me and I am grateful. As my forties come to a close, I am now no doubt well into a new phase of my life. 

I am still experiencing some stresses and pain in my personal life that will require some time and healing to get through but I am also starting to feel more confident in these areas now as well. I cannot expect to have gotten through the last seven years without any scratches and scars. Those definitely exist. But I know that I am now better positioned to heal those scars. I am without a doubt in a much better place today.

Recently, I became aware of the idea that many people (if not most people) go through a difficult time in their forties. I'm not totally sure why this is the case but it seems to have been for me. Perhaps, in addition to the physical health issues that I experienced, I was also being subjected to a massive mid-life crisis. Indeed, I have become much more aware of my age. I have way more perspective on time and events from my past. It's a strange feeling. I think that with this long perspective comes wisdom. There also comes the danger of nostalgia and a longing for some simpler times from long ago. I'm trying to resist that though and focus more on the future. The past has a lot to learn from but I think that I've learned that I don't want to live in the past. There's still too much to look forward to in the life that I am living and the years that I still have ahead of me.

The Future Looks Bright?

I'm tempted to state that I think 2023 looks like it will be a great year for me. I'll be turning fifty this year - a major milestone in our culture - and will be leaving my forties behind. Yet, I'm now mature enough to not be seduced by such a thought. 2023 could indeed turn out to be fantastic. I'm undoubtedly on an upward trajectory vis-à-vis where my life has been over the past seven years. But I also know that life has a fair amount of luck and randomness to it. All kinds of awful things could befall me over the coming year. The fact of the matter is that I simply cannot predict this. 

I do know though that I am in a much better position now - both health-wise and attitudinally - to deal with whatever life might throw my way. There is tremendous value and momentum in this and I am grateful.

I'm also grateful to finally be off of the brutal medications that I was originally prescribed back in 2015. I took it upon myself to slowly taper off of these. The medical professionals that I was dealing with seemed reluctant to do so. They clearly wanted to "play it safe". I was no longer willing to do so. While the medications did seem to address the issue of the anxiety, nausea, and diarrhea that I was experiencing in past years, their side effects are unacceptable to me. The worst of which is the memory loss that I have experienced. It is as though I cannot faithfully recall the past seven years of my life. Seven of the most important years in the development of my two children. I am so regretful regarding this. There are whole swaths of events from their primary developmental years as small children that I simply cannot recall. I feel terrible about this. I can kind of reconstruct some things by referring to pictures but its still mostly a blur. What a terrible legacy these medications have left me with. Sure, they were part of the cure but I now feel like this cure might have actually been worse than the disease.

Conclusion and Advice

Now that I am medication free, I am fully ready to jump headlong into 2023 and my fifties. I feel a renewed energy and sense of purpose. Although I lost the last seven years of my life due to the health issues that erupted back in 2015, I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel ready to tackle the "second act" of my life. I am becoming a senior and an elder. I am ready. I have energy and I want to make a positive difference to the lives of those around me.

I will state here that I have had one disturbing thought lately as the fog of medication has lifted from my brain. As I look back on all of the negative health events and their consequences over the past seven years, what if the catalyst for all of this was simply food poisoning from what I ate at the Narita Airport hotel back in 2015? What if it was nothing more or less than that which led me to a whole series of events and interactions with the health care system that resulted in panic attacks and eventually being medicated? What if this was the ultimate cause of me going on this brutal journey in my forties and losing seven years of my life? I think that this very well could be the case but I guess that I will never know for sure. I know that I should not dwell on this. What is past is past.

If you've read this far, I appreciate your effort! As such, I'll offer up some advice. When you're at midlife and you encounter some health issues, don't be too quick to jump to conclusions about what might be wrong with you. Both you and your medical advisor (no matter how professional and brilliant he or she might be) could be wrong. The proposed cure for what is ailing you might conceivably be worse than the actual disease. Don't be too quick to jump to the use of anti-depressant medications and tranquilizers. You could lose a whole lot of your life that you'll never get back. Be as careful and thoughtful as you can. Every day of your life is precious. Value and pay attention to every day and everyone that fills those days who you love and cherish.

No matter what happens to you, take time for the ones that you love.